


out of the fire and still smoldering

by Thistlerose



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Introspection, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rare Pairings, Secret Relationship, Vanilla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 14:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8536882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: She should end it. If she loved him as much as she wishes she could, then she would.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magnetgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetgirl/gifts).



What they're doing is wrong, and if she were as good a person as he thinks she is, she'd put a stop to it. But she isn't: she's Darth Vader's daughter--

(And Padmé's, she sometimes reminds herself, when she's feeling charitable. Padmé broke the rules too.)

\--and there's Darkness inside her. Anger. There always has been, and if there's one thing she's learned over the years, it's that anger doesn't just go away. It needs an outlet. So she lets this thing with Poe Dameron continue. Even though she's his superior, and could effectively end his military career; even though he's young enough to be her son; even though she _has_ a son just a few years younger than Poe - a son who held Poe captive tortured him, just days before murdering his own father; even though she can no longer see a future for herself beyond the end of this war.

She should end it. If she loved him as much as she wishes she could, then she would. 

But she was never very good at letting people go, only at pushing them away. And Poe Dameron will not be pushed away. Not because he's promised to stay by her side--

(Han made that promise once, after Endor, and again after Ben was born. But Han was always looking for an escape route, not always consciously and not because he didn't love her, but because that was his nature. From the moment she met him, she knew, deep down, she was going to lose him.)

\--but because he believes in her so ardently. Not just in her cause, but in _her_ as a leader, as a person. He never says the words, but it radiates off him: that combination of hope, admiration, and absolute trust. She hardly needs the Force to feel it. It's right there in his eyes when he looks at her, whether they're in her briefing room discussing tactics with the other Resistance leaders, or in the privacy of her quarters. It's truly a wonder they haven't been caught.

She should give him up. 

He deserves to be with someone who can imagine a future, not just for him but for herself as well.

She should give him up.

It isn't the Darkness that stops her, not entirely.

(And yes, in moments of clarity, she understands that she's using the Dark Side to excuse Ben's weakness, but not her own.)

Nor is it due to a desire to avoid causing him further pain, although she does wish that she could spare him.

She _is_ weak sometimes; she's human, with human wants and desires. If she can't have a life beyond the war, if she can't ever simply be someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's mother, someone with a _home_ and a life, then she wants this: Poe Dameron's hands on her bare shoulders, drawing her back into his arms after a nightmare wakes her in the middle of the night; his fingers slowly unbraiding her hair, letting each graying lock fall against their skin; his lips on the pulse at her wrist, and then her throat; his eyes on her, watchful and devoted.

His eyes.

She wants something out of all this, something for herself. This young man is here at her side, in her bed; if that's all the galaxy sees fit to grant her, then she'll take it, for as long as she can.

11/12/2016


End file.
